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“Ohhhh great puummmpkin…. Imma cut you open!”

Pumpkin Cooler

It’s Halloween, and that means pumpkin everything. You’ve got pumpkin donuts, pumpkin coffee, and even David S. Pumpkins arises from his year-long slumber to do a weird hand jive and make everyone say, “What…?

Well, we’ve got directions for a Pumpkin Cooler for you! Simply follow the easy steps below, and you can have your very own Pumpkin Cooler!

So, you’ve decided that you want a Pumpkin Cooler. You’ve made a wise and judicious decision on the matter. We can tell that you’ve thought this through, and you’re ready to open your home and your heart to the joy and love that is a Pumpkin Cooler.

STEP 1: Select a pumpkin. 

You’re going to want to choose a pumpkin that’s large enough to carry all of your delectable CMBC beer: it should be large enough to fit, at least, a six-pack, and, hopefully, much, much more. Be sure to choose a pumpkin that speaks to you. You should be able to hear it whisper your name as you brush past.

It doesn’t really matter whether you buy your pumpkin from a grocery store or a roadside stand, but, let’s face it, one is like going to a reputable breeder and the other is like going to the SPCA. We won’t judge, but rescues are important.

STEP 2: Bring your pumpkin home.

Be careful! Pumpkins are notoriously bad passengers: they’re backseat drivers, they get motion sickness, they tend to lose their stem if they fall from the seat. The last thing you want is a stemless pumpkin. That’s sad.

STEP 3: Find a sturdy surface.

In this step, we’ve opted for a barrel, but you can use any flat, sturdy surface you might find in your home. Perhaps your living room coffee table or your kitchen counter. We suggest not attempting this project on your mattress. No one wants to sleep with a pumpkin.

STEP 4: Do the pumpkin chant.

It goes like this: “Ohhhh great puummmpkin…. Imma cut you open!”

STEP 5: Cut the pumpkin open.

We know. This is the hardest step. It takes a special kind of person to simply cut into a pumpkin. After all, this pumpkin has already whispered your name. You’re on a first-name basis with this pumpkin. 

Nonetheless, stab that pumpkin about 3-4 inches from the top. (That’s the side with the stem.) Cut around the top in a circular motion, trying not to let your tears cloud your vision. Remove the top.

STEP 6: Gut the pumpkin.

This is the fun part! Feel free to use your hands — get all up in that gourd!

Rip the innards out of the pumpkin, no longer feeling any pain. Scoop, scoop, and scoop until you have a pile of pumpkin. And save that stuff! That’s the good stuff! Remove the seeds and toast them up for a delicious and nutritious snack. Save the pumpkin meat for pumpkin pies. Or use them both in a lovely decoupage! 

STEP 7: Fill it with ice.

Only use the best ice.

STEP 8: Add Cape May Brewing Company beer.

Now’s your time to shine! Show your personality — if you’re really feeling the autumn, Mop Water 5-Spiced Ale is a delicious choice. If you’re clinging to the vestiges of summer, fill ‘er up with Jersey Shore Souvenir! If you’re simply abiding, perhaps you’d like to try some Ties the Room Together. Whatever you decide — whichever choice you make — you literally cannot go wrong on this step.

STEP 9: Wave your hands over it like a blackjack dealer at shift change.

We’re not sure why, but apparently you have to do that. 

Any questions?